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This weekend, we will all be tolerating yet another pandemic version of a national holiday. Alas, it is not to be. So if you find that you need some extra romance in your life this year, or want to try to trick yourself into believing that love conquers all or something like that, look no further than literature. Just kidding! After all, plots need conflict, and conflict in a novel about relationships usually involves some kind of bad behavior, which usually indicates, you guessed it, rampant unhappiness for all involved. Our standards, apparently, are low.
Before I married my wonderful husband, I dated a lot of men. For most of my 20s and even my early 30s I had a perfect fairy-ideal of what romantic love was, probably because I was an actress and loved drama back then. At some point in our lives, we may believe that love should be like the kind of romance we see portrayed in films, television, and novels. For some reason, I always thought my romantic relationships were less if I did not experience this kind of fairy-tale relationship.
Maybe this is why I kept meeting frogs. At times, I bought into the belief that if I had a relationship with the perfect prince, then all would be well in my life.
I thought, Now, I will be safe forever. In truth, I did marry a prince—but a prince who is also human, who has faults and issues just like every person, no matter how wonderful he is. At some point I grew up and learned to let go of the crazy metaphor of romantic love in order to find true happiness.
Yes, I was disappointed to realize that the knight riding through the night to save the damsel in distress is a fallacy. Why stories like these make our hearts sing is that the love is unrequited. Unavailability fuels the romantic expression. This kind of romantic story can only work when there is an absence of the lover.
Sometimes, they have to die in the end in order for their love to fit into this romantic view. Or, we eat handfuls of popcorn, waiting to see if they live happily ever after, and we rarely find out if they really do.
The romantic love fantasy is really a substitute for intimacy—real, connected, vulnerable intimacy. We begin with the understanding of what pure love is, and then redefine and update the romantic fairytale into a healthier type of love. Here are 10 ways to create true intimacy, find pure love, and be truly happy in your relationship:.
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The romantic tragedy occurs when you view the person you are in love with as a symbol of what they have come to represent, the idea of them. The key is to see the other as a mirror and learn from the reflection how you can be a better person. When you feel upset, rather than blame your partner and point fingers, remain awake to what has yet to be healed in yourself. By feeling safe and secure to be on your own within the framework of relationship, you will feel more complete, happy, and whole. Some couples create separateness by fighting and then making up over and over again.
This allows you to continue the romantic trance, creating drama and avoiding real intimacy. True love only exists by loving yourself first. After the fairy-dust start of a relationship ends, we discover ordinariness, and we often do everything we can to avoid it. The day-to-day loveliness of sharing life with a partner can, and does, become extraordinary.
One thing that unites us is that we all long to be happy. This happiness usually includes the desire to be close to someone in a loving way.
To create real intimacy, get in touch with the spaciousness of your heart and bring awareness to what is good within you. The unintentional outcome of loving others more deeply is that we are loved more deeply.
You may look to things such as romance and constant togetherness to fill a void in yourself. This will immediately cause suffering. If you unconsciously expect to receive love in certain ways to avoid giving that love to yourself, you will put your sense of security in someone else. Draw upon your own inner-resources to offer love, attention, and nurturance to yourself when you need it. Then you can let love come to you instead of putting expectations on what it needs to look like. These are only a few ways to explore real intimacy.
How do you create a loving connection in your relationship? Photo by SashaW. Visit her at LynnNewman. This site is not intended to provide and does not constitute medical, legal, or other professional advice.
It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. It took years for me to realize a relationship is not a romance movie. So then, how do we make relationships work and stay happy? Here are 10 ways to create true intimacy, find pure love, and be truly happy in your relationship: 1.
Use relationships to teach you how to be whole within. See your partner for who he or she really is. Be willing to learn from each other. Get comfortable being alone. Look closely at why a fight may begin.
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Own who you are. Embrace ordinariness. Expand your heart. Focus on giving love. Let go of expectations.
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